Dr Seuss' Cat In The Hat (2003)

Sometimes it's nice to sit down, shut off your brain and watch a movie. But sometimes that is not always the case. There are seldom times that I have to turn off a movie because it's so bad. Dr. Seuss' Cat In the Hat (2003) hurts your brain to watch. This took me three separate times to try and get through. This movie was the final nail in the coffin for Audrey Geisel (Dr. Seuss's wife) to not allow any more Dr. Seuss material to be made in live action. Ron Howard's How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) helped with that decision. But what really made this movie so horrific to watch?

The film does contain some of the same elements of the book but is very difficult to turn a 50 page book into a 88 minute film. The viewer follows siblings Sally (Dakota Fanning) and Conrad (Spencer Breslin) and the day they encountered a certain Cat in a Hat. The Cat is played by Mike Myers (Austin Powers, So I Married an Axe Murderer) who is really hamming it up in this film. But where the film took a few liberties is all of the subplots. The kids are supposed to keep the house clean while their Mom (Kelly Preston) gets called in for work. Yes, her characters name is just Mom. She is also having a work party and since her boss Mr. Humberfloob (Sean Hayes) is a germaphobe the kids have to keep the house clean. Just to add in even more story there is also Quinn (Alec Baldwin) who is courting  Mom. He wants to send Conrad to military school so he then can finally marry Mom or something...I don't know. So take all of that and combine in with a cat making a huge mess of the place and you get the convoluted story of The Cat in the Hat.

The biggest problem that I have with this movie is that none of the jokes land. All the characters throughout the film are annoying and there is no direction. I like Mike Myers. I think he is a really funny comedian and his characters he creates are amazing. Wayne's World (1992) is a hilarious movie. But, you can just tell that he does not want to be in this movie. The breaking of the fourth wall and the "Oh Yeahs!" just get old after awhile. Also, the adult jokes in this movie are just plain gross. You can only roll your eyes at how any of these made its way into a PG movie and didn't qualify it for a PG-13. The other biggest problem that I have with this film is the costumes. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are terrifying. It is difficult to look at them because they are literally something you have seen in your nightmares. The Cat also is weird to look at especially when you know that the suit was made with human hair.

The film ends with everyone realizing that they were terrible and now, through the torture that the Cat made them endure, they are better people. Alec Baldwin also spits up purple goop. What a cathartic ending.

But I know it is a film for children. Maybe the kids might take something from that but my money is that they won't. They won't think it's funny, they won't learn anything and they won't know what's going on.

I keep trying to find some sort of redeeming factor in this film but I just can't. All I can think about is the disgusting imagery and the Cat threatening to beat a child with a baseball bat after he was hit in the balls. I'm serious. That is actually in this film. Feel free to skip this movie. You aren't missing anything here.

Rating: F

Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Family

Cast: Mike Myers, Dakota Fanning, Spencer Breslin

Rated: PG for mild crude humor and some double entendres

Director: Bo Welch